bursting banana<3(:

Thursday, November 17, 2011

2:46 PM

I haven't posted here in a while, but that's why it's the safest place to talk about how I feel...

I hate my life. Every day this week, I've thought about killing myself. I don't know what to do. I hate my family. I hate school. I hate the people at school. I get highly irritated at the people who are my "friends". I just don't want to be here anymore.

The once chance that I saw that I could have a lot of fun and my parents couldn't stop me... my only friend that's going... can't go anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't think anyone would even missed me if I were gone....

I can't even kill myself. I'm that weak. I wish I could, I really do... then my pain and suffering would end. Nothing in my life seems to be going RIGHT. I can't get good grades, I don't think I'll make it into my top colleges, my friends have been troubling me, student council people are pissing me off and I just want to die, because my parents are being fucking assholes. I just... don't want to be around anymore. I can't even talk to my own friends about this... they won't say anything about it. they can't "help" me...they can't even deal with their own problems.

Noone wants to listen to me. Noone cares about what I have to say. I'm not invisible... I'm quite the opposite. I'm the person that everyone loves to hate, because it's just so easy. I'm a bitch. I know I am. I'm straight up and blunt. But still, I am a person with feelings and shit to say...even if noone's there to listen.

I'm quitting my life.

637; forever&always

12:26 PM

Evan Wilson is so mean to me :(

In ASMHS room right now with the other council members. Freshman Orientation day. Hate it.
I really don't like the Freshmen.
I don't really like the Sophomores or Juniors either for that matter...

Recently I've had so much to do and stuff that I really don't like it :(

Anyways, I'll actually update later :P

637; forever&always

9:27 AM

So, I haven't really posted anything since the beginning of this school year and I guess it's time to put in on how I've been. I haven't really been on audition - my computer is broken and the video card is dead. I'm helping my dad take it apart and clean out the whole thing before we put in a new gfx card :) I think this is the closest I've ever been to "bonding" with him.

My sister came home this past Saturday and we fight more often than we did before. She takes my car now. It sucks. I had to get dropped off at school today, so I can't even drive home later x____x. Anyways, I'm in English class right now and it's pretty freaking boring...I don't really know what else to do but update this... We're doing discussions on the novel Catcher in the Rye. It sucks x_x i's a really boring book....

Anyways, something else - ope ; gonna go play tetris with a friend.

I just got a job at baskin robins. thought I'd should say :P
and ... I'm corresponding secretary for ASMHS next year :) yay.

637; forever&always

11:10 AM

Wow, it's been about 4 months since I've posted. So I decided to post again. Started school last week Tuesday. I absolutely hate it. I'm dying in my classes. AP Psych is fun & so is my AP Chem class...but the rest are just a load of crap that I'm stuck in so that I can graduate from High School ... .____. not what I really want.

Anyways, I'm just...really tired all the time. Hardly ever have time to get on the computer, except for homework or to ask someone on facebook...about the homework. I miss last year. I seriously thought that this year was supposed to be easier. It's so gay. I hate it. .__.

Hmmm...I'll stop venting; I'll post again later. I want to watch a Korean drama. I haven't seen one in about...forever. Since before my last post. Actually, about 5 months now, I haven't watched xD.

637; forever&always

1:28 PM

Reason for the title: Paige OKAMOTO D:< lols xD
we're sitting next to each other in the tech lab in H-building at my school; its so freaking cold.
Anyways, my teacher seems to think that i'm studying stuff on the legalization of weed, for my controversial issue paper/project thing that's due at the end of this quarter i think?

anyways, tomorrow's the sophomore pa'ina, a fundraiser that i had to do for my class of 2012. Yeah, i'm in Student Council. Don't like itt? get out of my blog. haha xD jk.

nah; so trent (shane's brother) gave me a piplup today<3 :D lols XD...idk why; he said its for helping him with his banner, but uhhh...it kinda fcked up and got ripped up by the day after we put it up. sucks, huh?

anyways, jenay says that shane's a bad boyfriend & she doesn't like him anymore & andrew thinks that he's bad...for me. like, he doesn't think that shane's the right guy for me anymore & he did before? sht i dont even know anymore. i mean, they're my best friends, but i really like shane & i feel as if they don't really know him...& that its not his fault. then again, i might just be making excuses. who knows.

i'm gonna die in this next month. my schedule:
-April 16 (tomorrow): 7:00am APEH class, 2:30 - 5:00 planning for pa'ina, 5:00-6:00 set up for pa'ina, 6:30-9:30 ACTUAL pa'ina, then clean up til about 10. won't go home til about 1030.
-April 17: from about 11:00am - 10:00pm: Track Meet (Athletic Booster Club work)
-April 18: AP study session @ Jenay's house :)
-April 19: Controversial Issue Outline Due
-April 20-22: Student Council Class Elections
-April 22: APEH class 7am
-April 23: Furlough (thank god)
-April 24: APEH class 2pm
-April 26: Research paper (Draft) due; call Bellows AF for birthday party
-April 27: sister's bday
-April 29: APEH class 7am
-April 30: furlough (woohoo ;D )
-May 1: APEH class 2pm
-May 3: APEH 7am; final research paper due (controversial issue)
-May 4: APEH 7am
-May 5: APEH 7am; AVP exam (alg 2)
-May 6: APEH sleepover at kim hiyoto's house
-May 7: APEH exam 12:00pm - 4:00pm
-May 13: AP World Exam; APEH 7am
-May 16: C/o 2010 Graduation; Stan Sherif, 7:00pm
-May 20: APEH 7am
-May 21: APEH 7am ; exams, pd 2 & 4
-May 24: exams, pd 3 & 6
-May 25: exams, pd 1 & 5
-May 29: Japan tour (leave) (tentative)

add in my exam prep days, which aren't included here; and im fccn screwed :)
not to mention that i haven't even finished my photography project yet
or the fact that i'm probably gonna end up failing chemistry and algebra as well
then...i'm fcked.

637; forever&always

10:09 PM

So, i seriously feel like crying right now...i want to call jenay ...and shane's not online.
my dad's taking away my laptop sometime between now and the end of the week.
he told me about 10 minutes ago.
i have 3 words for him. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
why does he do this to me?!
you know, i bet its because i was freaking being impatient, trying to teach my grandma how to use a cell phone. FCK YOU WOULD BE IMPATIENT TOO IF SHE COULDNT HEAR A DAM THING YOU SAID WHEN YOURE SITTING NEXT TO HER AND YOU HAD TO SPEND ALL DAY WITH HER DOING WHATEVER SHE WANTED TO DO BECAUSE YOUR FUCKING DAD FORCED YOU TO GO WITH HER WHEN YOU WERE TRYING TO FINISH A PROJECT THAT WAS DUE LAST MONDAY. oh my god. i feel like screaming. ...anyways im gonna go call jenay.
sorry for that extra vent x100.
bye.

637; forever&always

7:30 PM

My grandma and the-man-she-lives-with are having problems;
She's coming over...again. to spend the night; i think this is the 3rd time this month.
and...well, it only started ever since we threw a bday party for her...
its a good thing i did that :X
...truthfully, everyone knows that they've been fighting for a while
he's been verbally abusing her or something :X but...i mean, we couldn't say anything directly to her. that's just...not something we would do.
anyways, yeah they're having problems and stuff so we're picking her up right now :X well, my parents are; i'm at home typing this, thinking about what drama i'm gonna watch next, and watching NCIS :P lols xD

soccer practice was pretty good today(: haha xD

uhm...gonna apply for ninja sushi, subway & MAYBE this federal government thing for engineers; not sure yet :X i REALLY want the federal gov thing; and then ninja sushi comes next; subway is my last choice x___x lols XD but yeah; we'll see what happens xD lols

637; forever&always

10:15 PM

Bored & doing nothing;
waiting for "Almost Love" to buffer; movie, korean, nuff sed.

3rd Quarter Grades :
Japanese 2: A
Algebra 2: C
Photography 1: C
GT Chemistry: B
AP World History: A
GT English: C
AP European History: D
Overall GPA: 2.85?

Ehh pretty shitty grades, if you ask me; i KNOW i can get an A in english this next quarter; question is..do i want to? LOL XD
AP World History = 5 points, AP European History = 2 points (on GPA scale).

anyways;
i'm super bored.
and tired.
but not really.
7 hours of sleep in last 2 days.
i usually get 7 in one night.
epic fail.
i know.

kuhio day tomorrow.
fun.
i guess.
get to do...stuff.
apeh clsas tomorrow; 10am.
too bad i cant sleep in.
didnt finish the homework yet.
that sucks.

k this is fun;
looks like short poems
but they're not.
they're me being random.

k so i learned something about myself; i really dont give a fck about the rest of the world anymore. i mean, some people try to make me be a part of things; yes, i DO love my friends, i'll do anything for them...but other people? most of them make me sick.

random, i know. just another thing you're gonna have to deal with if you talk to me.

sometimes i miss my HBA friends. sometimes i'm happy i moved. sometimes i want to curl up into a ball and wish the world away. sometimes, i just cant stand what the world has to say about me.

637; forever&always

11:23 PM

K so let me explain something about me that noone else knows yet;
I mean, noone i know in real life will actually read this (except maybe shane, cause he's bothering me about my url right now)...
SOOOOO its not like they can blackmail me or some sht with what i'm about to say/write

1] i hate crying; i only cry about one thing in life; my father, btch from hell, never like talking to him
2] i only cry when i'm with or talking to jenay/andrew or when i'm in the shower and ready for a mental break down
3] i hate when people cry to me; except maybe jenay/andrew/marcie/jo/fewothersimtoolazytolist; THIS is because; fck idk you that well if you're not listed just now; dont talk to me, i wont talk to you; end of story, k goodbye.

REEDIT: i DO cry when i watch a k/j drama; dont think that counts though...since it's not actually about my own feelings; its about how bad i feel for the characters of a fake, make believe story

i DO make exceptions on that last one; when its like, not really CRYING to me; like, someone "venting" to me ...via msn, oovoo, tokbox, stickam, vent (how ironic), etc. then fck yeah i'll deal with your bs (depending on what it is)

but...
seriously
this is the second night in a row i cried...to myself...in the shower; oh fck i might have lied, it might be the third (btw, i WOULD go back & rewrite it, but i dont use the backspace button, when writing a blog; all those i's that are lowercase? that's cause i'm too lazy. all those spelling mistakes? fck that. im here to vent; no need for backspace)

so...reason this time would have to be my insane jealousy problem? ~~idk whatever.~~ i hate being jealous; it screws with my life. it also makes me freaking depressed as sht. and ...i ~~dont~~ like being deperessed.

i really wish i could write EVERYTHING that i feel on here; it would be so much easier for me...not even jenay knows exactly how i feel about this; i think only Aaron would understand (and he's jenay's boyfriend x____x how fail is that). not that i'm saying i told aaron and not jenay; i told jenay...and didnt tell aaron; its just...she doesnt understand how it feels cause...although she's a jealous person too, aaron doesnt talk to other girls or do anything with them or even HANG OUT with anyone except her and his baseball friends...and me and andrew/shane/taryn.

this topic irritates me. it makes me want to kill myself and ... i wish icould;
i wish i didnt live in this house; i wish i didnt have to go to school; i wish i could quit soccer; i wish i could just ...idk go to college already; i wish i could live in japan; i wish i could do whatever i wanted; i wish boys could never hurt me; i wish other GIRLS could never hurt me...

too bad life isn't like that...too bad it will never be...too bad i'm stuck with the same parents and family...too bad that at least ONE of my best friends is moving schools next year...too bad i get jealous too easily...too bad i cant make my friends happy...too bad i can't make SHANE happy...

too bad for sad, emo little me.
fck my messed up, deperessed life.

637; forever&always

10:45 PM

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I decided to fill more internet space with me talking to myself, like how I always do, seeing as how noone actually reads this;
okay that's a lie, i know SOME people that read it; but that's no fun,
since i dont know them in real life :P

heh hi vee (: lols XD

vivian peng, i love you.

just a statement(:

okayy; so...im bored again and nothing to do; gonna watch another korean drama [movie] soon; lols xD i updated that list; cause...well, it got A LOT longer; and...i haven't really been able to watch them recently, *cough* i wonder why, *cough* SHANE *cough* (:

school starts again tomorrow; i wonder how late i can stay up tonight before completely dying out; i found out JUST NOW that i was supposed to do this thing for english; yeah...reading the paper actually really helps :P lols xD

its a controversial issue about the legalization of marijuana in the united states; interesting right? no...i seriously hate that class; looks like i got a C for it this past term;

speaking of grades; i got a C in photography; hahaha i had expected an F, seeing as how i turn in my work late; even though the teacher's seriously a btch. she lost my research paper thin like, 3 times. i even handed it to her once, she wrote something on it, and she still lost it; WTF IS THAT?! seriously; fccn stupid ass teachers at public schools; lols jk (:

hmm...nothing really interesting happening

ohh so my aunty just emailed me (through my cell phone) and i got these pictures of mhy cousin that's pregnant :D lols xD

too bad i hate little kids. and teenagers. and really old people. and adults in general. sht i fccn hate the whole world, actually. whatever. they just all piss me off in some way or another. that's why jenay's amazed i can keep a boyfriend longer than a month...yeah thanks for that, best friend x______x lols

so me and jenay realized just how ALKE we are(:
we're bipolar at the same times lols XD ...well, its really exactly opposite...whenever i'm seriously happy with something in my life; right now, shane. then something goes wrong in hers (right now, aaron). so when i'm happy about soccer & track going at the same time, her mom tells her she cant do judo. she just found out she can again, i think...and now i'm mad, cause my soccer team is fcked up.

hmm we also share a lot of things in common :) we both hate coconut; cause it came from the freaking devil. (: and...we both hate people that irritate us? idk. it just depends; we both love eating :) lols xD...hmmm we get irritated at the same things; like one time, it was freaking RAINING and this guard at school was sitting in the golfcart at the intersection of the crosswalks, where...EVERYWHERE AROUND IT WAS RED DIRT...and it was RAINING so it was really mud :P and..jenay and i are walking towards the cafeteria and of course..this fccn guard is right there in the way of the cross walk and...

when we get pass, our conversation went a little like,
me: "WTF WHY CANT HE FCCN MOVE OUT OF OUR WAY?!"
jenay: "I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THE SAME THING!"
me: "yeah, he's in a fccn golf cart, stupid idiot."
jenay: "must've been public school education!"
andrew: "huh...?"

rofl(:
my friends are awesome; love you guys<3

k this is super long; and it took me 10 minutes of nonstop writing and i'm sure i'm gonna be cracking up at how long i ran on and on about this bullsht...sometime later in life, when i actually decide to go back and read this sht :P

kBYE(:

sayonara; jaa mata ashita (: ...

acually, just jaa mata; ill be back within the hour :P ...maybe not posting, but still(;

637; forever&always